Which Way To The Vomitorium?

If you're like me, and kudos to you if you are, you are getting pretty tired of the prodigous pile of porcine poop emanating from the pie hole of Pres. Obama. Last night, as you might have heard, the President gave his State of The Union address. I didn't listen to it. I'd just eaten a double bacon cheeseburger and a large diet pepsi and had no desire to see what those two ingredients looked like mixed (note to self -- listening to our President could be a powerful emetic)! Besides, I had just received season 5 of "Charles In Charge" in the mail, so you can see I had more important things to do last night.

Of course today is a new day, and I feel it is my duty to at least look at the transcript of the speech (all 14 pages of it!). Believe you me, it was difficult to wade through that indecipherable
jumble of words in search of a cogent thought, but soldier on I did. Now, dear reader, I could go into a deep analysis of Obama's SOTU address and refute each asinine, inane assertion that the President makes, but really, who needs the grief and besides I've still got 14 more episodes of "Charles In Charge" to enjoy.

Instead, I thought I'd distill Barry's 7,007 word, 70 minute behemoth into a few salient bullet points (and by few I mean about 57). That way, dear reader, you will have time to do the more important things like extracting the lint from your navel, and it may also have the benefit of preventing that 2 pound macho burrito you just consumed from seeing the light of day again.

So, here we go in more or less the order that they were given.

• Bush made it hard for me to President (gee, I haven't heard that one before)
• People are suffering
• We need to fix the banks (and by fix he means destroy)
• I do the hard things
• We need to tax banks
  

A small aside on Obama constantly trashing the banks. Why does Pres. Obama hate the banks, and how does he think hurting them will help this economy? You see, to me, banks are institutions where people who have an excess of cash (you rich folks know who you are). These rich people deposit said cash into banks, thereby allowing them to loan that cash to people who have a shortage of cash (that would be me), to which they are then able to do stuff. Does he not realize that it is the banks and the banking system that fuels economic growth and entrepreneurship? Is it not banks that allow the American dream to take place? Do not banks allow people to borrow capital for things like homes, cars, education, and fulfilment of their lifelong dream of opening up an "electric dog polishing" salon? Yes, of course banks aren't the enemy and Obama knows it, so this is example #34,563 of why Obama in reality has no desire to see this economy recover.

Any-who, on to more of those salient points....

• I help people by extending their unemployment insurance
• I cut taxes on 95% of American families. (stop sniggering -- it's rude!)
• Government creates jobs (again with the sniggering)
• China has faster trains than us -- and we can't have that by golly
• Bush ruined the prior economic expansion (who knew?)
• People need more information to make financial decisions (like how do I hide my assests from Obama)
• We need to force the American people to innovate (electric dog polishing. I'm telling you it's the next IPOD)
• People need to be educated
• Vice-President Biden is chairing the task force on Middle-Class Families (I feel better already)
• Health Care Reform will save this country (again -- who knew?)
• I came to Washington to alleviate Americans distrust in Washington (yeah, none of that distrust is Obama's fault)
• I think terrorism is bad

One more quick aside, I see that Janet Incompetano availed herself during the speech to take time to examine her eyelids.



I say good on her as she was probably getting more benefit from the speech than anyone else in the chamber and it's probably the most productive thing she's done since being put in charge of Homeland security.

Now onto the big finish....

• I will end the war in Iraq
• I don't like nukes
• I don't like the Supreme Court
• I am working with the Muslims to promote science. (huh?)
• I want gays in the military
• CEO's and bankers are responsible for Americans cynicism (oh really?)
• I want change
• I don't care about polls (sorry for repeating myself, but who knew?)
• Change is hard (and by hard he means there will be no discernible economic recovery for the foreseeable future)
  

There you have it dear reader. President Obama's SOTU address. I trust, no unwanted stomach upheavals occurred from reading this post? After scrutinizing this speech, I see that the I's certainly have it.

Now back to Charles.....

Dead Man Walking?!

Being slowly frog marched down the corridor in leg irons and handcuffs, incandescent light from half- burned-out fluorescent light bulbs glimmering off my tattered orange jump suit.  Taking one inextricable step after another on my way to that terrible, forboding, unfeeling final destination -- the dreaded electric chair.  That, my friends, is how I'm feeling right now.  A slight exageration perhaps, but not by much. Why, you may ask, is Teddy feeling this way? 

Exhibit A

I have an assignment to speak in church next Sunday. A church whose name, in part, rhymes with "Batter-hay Quaints".  An assignment that was given to me last week and which I have so foolishly squandered by not preparing for properly.  My topic, and I quote: "Filling our homes with Love and the Holy Ghost". Those of my dear reader(s) who know me, know that I am eminently unqualified for said topic.  My wife will attest to that assertion.  So, one week down one week to go.  How, dear reader, will I avail myself of the time remaining to prepare for this daunting task?  You'll have to wait and see. (Assuming I blog in this space again in the next 17 months!).

If this were the only issue facing this humble, mostly infrequent and non-existent blogger. I could perhaps cope.  But as you will see this is not the only thing staring down Teddy P. Robinson this week.

Exhibit B

I have a job interview. It's the second interview in as many weeks.  It will be the dreaded "technical" interview that could last for up to 3 hours! The company is in the health care field that is interestingly enough owned by a church whose name rhymes in part with "Home-In Math-A-Brick'.  An interview that I'm probably not going to do all that well in.

So you see dear reader that is why I have this dead man walking feeling this morning. But now I must eat some corn flakes.