He's Czar of What?

Not to be out done by his predecessors who had a "Drug Czar", Barack Obama has taken the "czar" concept and super-sized it beyond recognition. How many czars does our dear leader have? Nobody knows for sure, I've heard numbers anywhere between 16 and 33. This number seems remarkably small and quite prosaic considering Obama promised upon his election that the oceans were to recede. Come on Barack step up to the plate, you know you love having all these little henchmen at your beck and call ready and willing to do all your dirty work without any congressional oversight. Don't stop at a mere 30. Think "Clone War" numbers here. An army of Obama-like clones doing your bidding. You could really get the great American transformation rolling with that kind of manpower. As an informed SchadenFreudesSister reader that I know you to be, I thought it might be instructive to list out the current czars that Obama has appointed along with their supposed responsibilities -- at least as imagined by your humble blogger Teddy Robinson.

• TARP Czar - Herb Allison. Herb is in charge of keeping track of all the Obama donors and sorting them in descending order by amount donated. This helps Obama know who should receive the next TARP payoff. It is very effective and I applaud the President for making this one of the only Government entities that actually works.
• Border Czar - Alan Bersin. Alan is working on a grand scheme whereby a system of border tunnels and assembly lines will be employed to facilitate the fast introduction of illegal aliens into the country. They enter the tunnel in Mexico an illegal alien and they exit in the USA a newly registered democrat with a job raking leaves at Teddy Kennedy's compound.
• Intelligence Czar - Dennis Blair. I'm a bit stumped here. My guess is that Dennis has the unenviable task of helping the President and his administration come up with an intelligent thought. I believe that Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have made inquiries into to getting one of their own. Whatever they are paying Dennis -- it isn't enough!
• Terrorism Czar - John Brennan. I'm a little confused here as well. We are no longer fighting the "Global War on Terror" instead it is now the "Overseas Contigency Operations" war. So, John is what... the "Overseas Contigent Czar" which to me sounds like he would be in charge of lining up the best places for Michelle to shop when she and Barack are out of the country.
• Energy Czar - Carol Browner. Barack doesn't really need this czar as he is doing a fantastic job all on his own of reducing the amount of energy available to the American people. I fear that Carol may soon be out of a job however, when they get that "Pond Scum" refinery on-line.
• Urban Affairs Czar - Adolfo Carrion, Jr. Adolfo is in charge of the vast network of D.C. escort service organizations. Its a tough job as they say but, somebody has got to do it. Word is Barack's first choice, Elliot Spitzer wanted too much money.
• Weapons Czar - Ashton Carter. This used to be one of the dark departments of the Democrat party, but is now out in the open. You see Ashton is in charge of developing all the weapons that will ensure that Democrats obtain and retain power in this country. You know things like voter intimidation, voter fraud, and illegal campaign contributions. Its good to see this important party operation is finally getting its due and is out in the open with this President.
• Technology Czar - Aneesh Chopra. Annesh is in charge of exporting as much technology as possible overseas. He's doing a fantastic job by the way.
• AIDS Czar - Jeffrey Crowley. Since 98% of all US diagnosed aids cases are caused by either high risk sexual activity and or IV drug use, it seems like you really wouldn't need a Czar to work on this issue. I would think a low level party aparatchik like the Deputy Under-Secretary Associated Assistant Prophylactic Resources Manager on the Gay Compliance Commission could easily solve this problem, but what do I know.
• Great Lakes Czar - Cameron Davis. I'm speechless on this one. Apparently, Cam is supposed to work on cleaning up the Great Lakes. Stopping invasive fish species, cleaning up sewage overflows, and salvaging the Edmund Fitzgerald perhaps. Hopefully, Canada will kick in its fair share to this boondoggle. Oh wait its only the good ole USA that pollutes... I forgot.
• Health Czar - Nancy-Ann DeParle. Uh-oh, I see big problems with this one. I predict that within six months a major cat fight will break out between Nancy-Ann and Regina Benjamin, Obama's Surgeon General.
• Stimulus Accountability Czar - Earl Devaney. HAHAHAHAHAAHHA! Excuse me I can't type anymore cause my eyes are watering!
• Faith-based Czar - Joshua DuBois. Joshua has a tough row to hoe. I don't know about you but my Faith in Obama is on the wane. I mean, I want to believe, and I certainly want to have Faith in this man, but alas I struggle. Having Faith in Obama is right I know, it is the correct thing, it is the thing that will bring me the greatest happiness, but I am really struggling here. I will continue to pray, that one day my Faith in Him will strengthen. Wait, you mean the Faith in Faith-based czar is not about Obama? No way!
• Pay Czar - Kenneth Feinberg. Again sort of redundant here. Pay has been reduced dramatically since Obama has been in office, so you don't really need this one. Of course Ken is also responsible for making sure that every parasitic Dem hack hanger on is raking in top dollar, so I guess he's got a little more work to do.
• Guantanamo Closure Czar - Danny Fried. Danny boy has a real problem here, since we've only convinced the island nation of Palau to take any of these fine upstanding Islamo-Dudes off our hands he may have a tough job ahead of him. Anymore job openings at the Kennedy compound perhaps?
• Sudan Czar - J. Scott Gration. J. just needs to sit down with these Sudanese Islamo-Dudes and calmly talk out a solution to the Sudan problem. Just follow Barack's lead on this one and you'll be fine.
• Afghanistan Czar - Richard Holbrooke. (See above.)
• Science Czar - John Holdren. John has a vital role in making sure that science plays no role in determining legislation with regards to important issues like the threat of Global Weather on our beautiful planet and the dire threat plastic grocery bags pose to the equatorial sea turtle population. Keep up the good work John! You make us so proud.
• Green Jobs Czar - Van Jones. Van "the man" Jones is in charge of that growing by leaps and bounds segment of the workforce the ever popular snipe-like green job. Green jobs will save this economy -- you mark my words. They will easily replace the over 2 million jobs that have been lost in the last 6 months or so says Obama. So yippee green jobs are on the way. Unfortunately, green jobs consist primarily of 2 job types: government bureaucrats and litigation lawyers. And goodness knows you can never have enough of those types of people.
• Drug Czar - Gil Kerlikowske. Gil's first big announcement was to abandon the phrase "war on drugs" saying that it was a counter-productive term. Maybe he could call it the "The Campaign for Homeland Pharmaceutical Contingency and Interdiction" if, that is, interdiction isn't deemed to be counter productive as well.
• Information Czar - Vivek Kundra. Still waiting to get the 411 on what Vivek is up to. What are the folks in Pueblo Colorado doing these days anyway?
• Mideast Peace Czar - George Mitchell. Former senator George Mitchell says that he will have this whole Mideast peace thing solved when the battle of Armageddon is concluded. Way to go George -- I like how you think.
• Car Czar - Ed Montgomery. This just in Ed has resigned as car czar -- the only czar that rhymes by the way. I am told that the replacement car czar must be able to color coordinate car interiors and have an innate fashion sense oh and he/she must be an expert on fabrics.
• Mideast Policy Czar - Dennis Ross. Maybe I'm naive here, but it seems like the peace czar and the policy czar are somewhat related. I know its complicated guys, but come on!
• WMD Czar - Gary Samore. I'm told that Gary got the job after he coined that totally awesome phrase "Bush lied, people died". He wants to make sure that every WMD that the US and its allies possess are destroyed, while making sure that all our psycho enemies are armed to the teeth. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
• Climate Czar - Todd Stern. AL Gore has got to be peeved at this appointment. Todd here's a tip. Its weather and by nature its going to change. Enough said.
• Regulatory Czar - Cass Sunstein. Cass will be making sure that regulation on the regulated government agencies like the EPA, and OSHA are regular in their respective regulations. Got it?
• Economic Czar - Paul Volcker. Sort of a misnomer here. Economic Destruction Czar perhaps would be a better term for Mr. Volcker's position. I must say Paul you are awesome at your job -- the economy has never looked better. I know I'm certainly stimulated.

Dear Reader.... hello anybody still here? Anyone? Yes, this post is rather long, I know and I apologize. Like I said, there are quite a few czars in the sky so to speak, but there could and should be many many more in my humble opinion. So, with that in mind. In part II of "He's Czar of what?" I will suggest additional czars that Obama might appoint.

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